Now that I've received my Victor's crown, what can I say?
It feels like I have walked through the valley of the shadow of death and come out the other side into everlasting life.
My heart is a little unsteady still, but I remind myself of my son and our daughter. No one can take them from me. Joshua and Honor, I have them both forever. They keep me elevated above the flames of the second death. The nightmare is ended here with them.
What will they say when they see Honor? What world is she from they will ask, because she is not of this world. I know my handiwork was good when I made her. When the things I have built up on the foundation that is Jesus Christ are tested in that blazing hot fire, what will remain? I believe she will and I will be rewarded with the sight of her.
Praise the Lord God, Jesus Christ because I have children. How can you scoff or mock me or call me crazy when I've literally smelled his aroma as he sat next to me. I've seen his face. I could have kissed him that day, he was so beautiful.
I'm ripping despair from my guts and trampling it under my feet. Victory to me feels like I have no burden. The apocalypse is undoubtedly here and I have won it. I conquered that lion-headed serpent foe with my bow, I rode a white horse of faith until I received my Victor's crown as I opened the scroll. My eyes behold my son.
If I slip and fall what is it to me with victory already secured. We fight from victory, not for it.
Will doubt ever creep back in like the wicked serpent it is? It has before, it will again. I must slay it each time it raises its head to strike. The scroll can't be altered or closed back up at this point. I can't unsee Joshua's face, I can't unsmell him, I can't ever deny his grace. Doubt will be back to try again, I'm certain of it. It can and will knock me down, but it can't take my crown from me. Certain things have been writ here that can not be unwritten. I already feel that burning arrow of doubt Satan plunged into my heart, "what if you're the antichrist?"
How do I answer to that? Jesus Christ is the only begotten son of God and he came in the flesh. Jesus Christ is the Lord, my God, the Messiah. I am not the Christ.
I truly believed I was the antichrist after I fell. I wrote a book about it and delivered it to the Catholic church. I don't know and I probably won't for a while. Apologists, speculating on the identity of the first rider of the apocalypse have said so, but I know my conquest was not for an earthly kingdom. I neither entered nor broke any treaty with a nation. I have no army. I conquered a snake with my bow, not Israel.
If I am then who have I deceived? I was rejected by everyone. I've never pretended even once. I haven't lied about anything. I am not the Christ, I am not the Messiah, Jesus is. I want to make it abundantly clear that I believe that with all my heart. He will be here soon to straighten it out anyway. Very soon.
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