I refuse

I refuse to let this despair drag me down to hell. I am not going to even entertain a single thought until my ultimate questions are answered.

I think I can settle it down to one question, but I am going to live my life as if nothing matters except an answer to three.

Why was my prayer to meet my son/bridegroom answered that day?

Who was the young grace-filled man that showed up when I prayed that prayer, that I literally smelled a pleasing aroma on, that drew me in with my favorite song?

Was the scroll vision true or false?

Everything else can rot. Everyone who speaks to me telepathically that doesn't first answer those questions can fucking rot. Every bad feeling in my gut triggered by this despair can be ignored if it doesn't answer those questions with more than gut feelings or intuitions or speculation. 

Everything falls away without an answer to those questions. Everything. I'm done with it.

I need proof one way or the other. If it's all proven to be lies I will face the consequences at that moment and not a moment before. I'm done living as if they have already been proven false just because bad things have happened to me. Bad things may continue to happen and I will just bottle them up until I get my answers.

I refuse to participate in this loss of faith any longer. Come hell or high water I will not be judged until they prove it. I will not judge myself until I see some proof. That's the hard part. I have been so unfair to myself.

Even the thought, "maybe it's all lies" is beyond unfair to myself. I won't entertain it until I see proof. 

Yeah, I believe I took the mark of the beast, but I'm still right here after having the most important prayer of my life answered. I'm still right here after smelling my son's aroma and opening the scroll of life.

Why should I stop believing in it just because I was tortured past my breaking point. My faith was stolen from me by fiends, but those experiences remain. Wasn't I victorious before I fell? Doesn't that earn me a little respite from this agonizing nightmare? I wear a Victor's crown indeed. I was told to wear it with pride. So that is what I'm going to fucking do. Come to your own conclusions, but spare me from opinions, no one can take my victory from me. Not Satan, the beasts, the demons, no one can.