unconditional love would be a crime

That's what they said. "Unconditional love would be a crime". I must concede on this point. You can not love people like me. You must destroy me and rebuild. It's probably not even worth it. Loving me is no good. It just won't do.

I am so desperate for approval and love. The only thing left for me to do is to meditate those desires away into oblivion. The desire for approval and love just creates suffering. Expelling my desires has historically been the only way out of this great and terrible pain.

What will I do on the day when I can no longer meditate? What is my limit of pain? There can be no limit. My pain will continue to elevate forever and ever. Never will it abate or slow down to give me a moment of rest. It will continue to increase in tempo forever and as time goes on the despair of no escape will always find a way to increase. There is no 'getting used to it'.

There's no rest for the wicked.

Why do I still believe in it. The arguments I have heard for the lack of free will are all utterly compelling and the arguments that are pro free will all reek of bull shit and nonsense. There is no comparison. It's like I've taken the biggest bite of the cure, but I can't swallow it. It's stuck in my throat in the shape of a crucifix.

I will always have hell. I'm scared out of my mind. There is nothing to grab hold of and the ground falls from under my feet with every step.

This is terrifying and yet I am unchanged. I still seek the sweet release of hentai to numb the pain. I think it is more than a numbing agent. It's a cure all. Lewd scenes, well drawn and aesthetic with funny, romantic or even loving stories are not merely escapism, they have become transcendental. Still images of a God who knows me and loves me. Pieces of his body becoming a communion that can almost spare me damnation if only for a little while. It's going to be okay, take heart, love still exists, just open your eyes to the neon light and curving lines.